I'm already a sports buff.

A: Look out, we got a badass over here. 

If I subscribe, will I get Good Old Sport sent to me?

A: That's the idea.

I have commitment issues. 

A: I'm just a newsletter. It's not like we're getting married or anything. 

I have trust issues.

A: Trust me, that's not an issue. 

I don't have time because I have needy, annoying friends.

A: You can always make new friends, but there's only one Good Old Sport.

I don't have time because I have needy, annoying pets.

A: Kennel.

I don't have time because I have needy, annoying kids.

A: Also kennel. 

What if I'm only interested in one sport? 

A: Ever hear of broadening your horizons, chief? 

I'm blind.

A: No you're not. 

I'm not interested in sports.

A: Good One. 

Will reading Good Old Sport make me rich and famous? 

A: It wouldn't hurt. 

I just ate, do I need to wait an hour to read Good Old Sport?

A: Ya, just to be safe. You don't want cramps.

Can I walk and read Good Old Sport at the same time?   

A: That depends on your motor skills. Please consult a physician before continuing.

What will my other sports websites think?

A: What they don't know, won't hurt 'em. 

What if I'm not qualified? 

A: Bad credit or no credit, we accept 99% of all applicants. No money down!

What does Good Old Sport taste like?

A: Like if steak, lobster, and pizza had a three-way love child. 

Will Good Old Sport make me taller? 

A: If you hang upside down from the ceiling while you read it, yes. 

I'm more into extreme sports. 

A: Don't worry, brah, we're into shredding the gnar gnar. 

I work the night shift. What about me?

A: Good Old Sport has been designed to display during daytime AND nighttime hours. 

I prefer to get my reading done on the toilet.

A: Our mobile version is right up your alley! 

I don't speak English.

A: Que? 

What if I majored in Liberal Arts?

A: Then you're not employed and have plenty of time for Good Old Sport. 

Can I get a hard copy mailed to me instead of subscribing electronically? 

A: Don't be ridiculous. 

I don't have an email address. 

A: Sorry, but we don't have the resources to build a time machine to rescue you from 1991.

I'm left handed, will Good Old Sport work for me?

A: No, but we expect to launch a left-handed version next year. 

I'd rather binge-watch Netflix.

A: You'll need something to do during the 20 seconds between episodes, right? 

Can I read Good Old Sport with the lights turned off? 

A: I'd prefer you didn't, I'm scared of the dark. 

I'm more into Dungeons and Dragons.

A: Nerd!

What if I don't like it? 

A: Please.

What if it doesn't like me? 

A: Legitimate concern. 

Is this going to be on the final? 

A: Everything we cover is subject to be on the final exam. Study up. 

I have a tummy ache.

A: Pepto Bismol will alleviate most stomach issues. 

I live in my parents' basement.

A: I would keep that to yourself. 

Will Good Old Sport make all my fantasies come true?

A: Your fantasy football fantasies, yes. 

How smart do I have to be to read Good Old Sport?

A: We only accept readers with IQs over 200. 

Can you get me out of work today?

A: Sure. Send me a sick note and I'll sign it. 

My hand smells.

A: I don't even want to know. 

I don't like the name Good Old Sport. 

A: Well, maybe I don't care for your name either. So there. 

Can I take Good Old Sport in the water with me?

A: Sorry, but I can't swim. 

I heard Good Old Sport's milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

A: I could teach you, but I'd have to charge. 

What if I don't have time for Good Old Sport? 

A: If you have enough time to read through these Q/A's, you have time for Good Old Sport.

What's your favorite '90s toy?

A: Pogs. Did you even have to ask?

I put my underwear on backwards this morning. 

A: Sounds like a personal problem. 

I'm currently being attacked by a shark.

A: I read somewhere you're supposed to hit them in the nose. Try that? 

Secret agents are watching my every move.

A: This message will self-destruct in five seconds. 

My parents are out of town.

A: House party!!!

Seinfeld of Friends?

A: These pretzels are making me thirsty!

What time is it? 

A: Sorry, I forgot my watch today. 

Remember yo-yos? Those were the coolest!

A: Fireballs all the way, baby. 

It's almost like we...

A: ...finish each other's sentences.

You're looking good today.

A: I know. 

Is it hot in here?

A: No, it's just me. 

Will you go out with me? 

A: Look, you're great and all, but I think we should just stay friends. 

Will you at least hook up with me?

A: Maybe after a few drinks. Maybe. 

I'm a robot.

A: Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.

I'm a schizophrenic loner.

A: Your criminal record and whereabouts have just been sent to the FBI.

I'm Amish.

A: Get away from this evil technology before Uncle Yoder and Aunt Hilty find out! 

I'm Darth Vader.

A: Together we will defeat the rebel scum. 

I'm Batman.

A: Sorry about your parents. 

I'm Spartacus.


I'm Justin Bieber.

A: Kill yourself. 

Are we done here?

A: I thought you'd never ask.